The Fireflies
by TheDobe
Summary: Every HPNaruto crossever fic ever written, cliches and all. Because we all know that they're all the same. Repost.


**Warnings:** Some characters (especially Sasuke) are intentionally out of character; this is supposed to be humour so the characters have to be humorous. At least that's how I see it.

**Pairings:** Dunno yet.

**Author's Note:** This be a repost. I'm ill at the moment so I decided I might start working on this again. Although I have perfectly mastered the English language (note the sarcasm) I would love if someone could beta this for me.

**The Fireflies**

**Chapter One: **_**Mission Impossible**_

Sasuke casually made his way into the Hokage's office, calmly taking in the almost puke green flooring, and of course the ugly beige walls. He and Naruto slowly ventured into the room, slightly perturbed by how the Hokage apparently wasn't overly concerned about turning her colossal blue armchair towards them. This was a fine arrangement in Sasuke's opinion; he had absolutely no qualms about talking to the strangely shaped oak table or to the blue armchair. They sure were a hell of a lot friendlier than the owner of said pieces of furniture.

Shizune's ever-present face seemed to brighten the already incredibly bright, but quite dreary room. As always, she was dressed in her gray-ish Kimono, and although she had his back to him, he could tell without even looking that she had her arms folded neatly in front of her body.

Sasuke thought Shizune was brave for sticking by someone as scary as Tsunade. That was what he admired about her. And maybe he admired her ass a little too, but that was beside the point.

Any lesser person would have screamed at the frustrated 'UGHH!' that suddenly resounded through the room. And the noise of books and wood unexpectedly crashing to the ground would scare anybody, but Sasuke? He did not scream at all. In fact, he was not even afraid when he noticed that when the Hokage finally turned around, one of her brows was twitching and there was mad glint in her eyes.

Nope, he certainly was not afraid.

He was terrified.

He just knew Tsunade was in a bad mood, firstly because her breasts were just that tiny bit shinier than usual, but also because she'd just punched (and broken) her own desk. Now, while he didn't relish the idea of being in the same room as an angry Tsunade, he figured not being in the room would be far, far more dangerous to his health seeing as he had been summoned by said woman.

The brunet calmly looked over at Naruto, noticing the blond hadn't gone into one of his 'I should be Hokage' tirades and he came to the immediate conclusion that it was because the large breasted women's fury was palpable. Naruto was Naruto, but Sasuke knew that even he wasn't stupid enough to mess with a pissed off Hokage, that would be something akin to dancing with suicide.

Tsunade, he had come to realise, was not a force to be reckoned with. After he had succeeded in killing his brother, which by the way had not been as straightforward as he would have liked, he had figured since he didn't have anything better to do, he would return to Konohagakure. At the time, he had known returning wouldn't be as easy as his departure had been (note the sarcasm) so he had been slightly cautious. However, he had assumed that since Naruto was friendly with the Hokage and the blond obviously couldn't live without him, Tsunade would be more than happy to hear of his return if only to placate the boy.

Oh, how wrong he had been.

As a person who, for various personal reasons, had never really enjoyed the thought of slugs let alone the sight of them, one can only imagine his surprise/disgust at almost being swallowed by one. Almost being the operative word because the Gods had had a far worse fate in store for him in the form of a woman with breasts larger than his head.

After his encounter with the woman, he could honestly say any notions he might have of leaving the village were almost always immediately squashed at the mere thought of what the crazy lady would do to him if he left for a second time.

Clearly, Tsunade was a wonderful person. As evidenced by her hot temper, her gambling addiction and her extremely low cut garments.

He settled his gaze on one of the blonde woman's eyebrows, trying fruitlessly to decipher the purpose behind the summons. She probably would find his gaze on her forehead disconcerting as most people do, but he thought looking at her eyebrow was considerably better than staring at her cleavage.

Now Sasuke was, admittedly, a breast man. However, he didn't even want to think about what Tsunade would do to him if she found him staring at her boob-age. Probably the same thing most girls do when one ogles their breasts. Except, with Tsunade it would be worse because the woman was clearly the spawn of the devil and thus had superpowers.

He probably would not mind having to have a staring competition with an eyebrow if the Hokage's office actually had chairs other than the Hokage's monstrosity. Honestly, whoever thought not having chairs was a good idea, clearly had not thought things through properly because making guests stand whilst you're sitting was hardly what Sasuke considered to be accommodating. If the place at least had chairs, he could study the women's eyebrows in relative comfort, instead of having to do it whilst standing. On the other hand, he did not mind doing other things whilst standing up.

"Sasuke, what the hell did you do this time?" Naruto whispered to him harshly, looking like a monster ready to tear him to shreds and Sasuke felt his heart beat just that little tiny bit faster. It was, however, something he was used to and he could easily ignore it.

The brunet just shrugged. As far as he knew, he had not done anything that would warrant such anger. Moreover, even if he had done something wrong, Naruto would not have been summoned. The last time he checked, Naruto hadn't done anything to offend anyone in a long, long time, especially with Sasuke around. People considered the Uchiha to be a walking offence so they tended to ignore anything remotely bad that the blond did when Sasuke was in the same vicinity.

He could genuinely say that he preferred it when everyone thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, he enjoyed having his ego stroked, and honestly, he thought having stalkers was better than having haters. Nevertheless, many people reviled him so it just could not be helped.

The Uchiha almost sighed. Thinking about how people wanted to kill him whilst simultaneously having to put up with the sound of Tsunade trying to strangle a piece of paper was clearly not good for his blood pressure.

Something was obviously bothering Tsunade and that something was apparently detailed in the letter she happened to be reading. The letter was either written in a language she didn't understand or the details of the letter were so unbelievably mind boggling that she thought it necessary to read the contents of the letter not once, not twice but four times.

Sasuke certainly hoped it wasn't someone writing to say he stole Sake again because he had only ever done that once. Moreover, it was only because Sakura had found it necessary to throw all of his alcohol out when she damn well knew he didn't have any money to buy more.

The Uchiha was almost tempted to give a loud cheer when Tsunade finally put the letter down. However, she merely shook her head, picked up the letter and proceeded to read it again. For the fifth fucking time. Naruto frowned, regarding Sasuke with a look that clearly stated 'what the hell?'. Again, Sasuke just shrugged. He didn't understand how the woman's mind worked either.

"Okay, listen brats," Tsunade muttered, speaking in gentle tones. She placed the letter on her desk, leaning forward slightly as if to whisper a secret to the pair. "You have a mission. All you need to do is go to a school for Wizards named Hog-warts, watch out for an evil Wizard and protect some kid named Potter. Simple. Easy." She nodded her head as if to reassure them, which Sasuke found slightly disconcerting. Beneath that calm and gentle façade, he knew there lay an angry beast.

Even more worrisome than the beast, however, was the fact that the busty woman had just said something about a school for wizards. Sasuke let out a tiny snort. He had no idea it was April fool's Day, if he had known he would spent his day waiting for a lame prank like this one instead of spending an hour pacing and worrying that Tsunade was waiting for him with blunt objects and pliers. Oh and bleach, he had almost forgotten about the bleach. He nearly shuddered at the thought.

Sasuke was a cynic by nature, and contrary to popular belief, his time with Naruto hadn't changed that. So while he tried to believe in many stupid things to appease his blond-haired pest, like the fact that smiling improved any bad situation, he had never believed in Wizards. He could understand why other, perhaps less intelligent people wanted to believe in made up things like wizards and magic, but when it came down to it, they were just that; made up.

"Hurry up and tell us the real reason why you sent for us Granny, I'm hungry, I don't have time for this." The dead-last whined, and Sasuke almost winced. Apparently, Naruto was more of an idiot than he gave him credit. While he was relieved that Naruto was not one of the idiots that believed in the existence of Wizards, any sane person knew not to shout at an angry Tsunade.

"I just told you the reason you insolent brat, so shut up and let me finish explaining!" the busty woman bellowed, and Sasuke could swear he heard her blood vessel explode; he had known the calm facade wouldn't last long. "The village owes someone a favour and now he's calling in said favour. I have to send someone to the school, and unfortunately for you two, you are those some ones."

"Wait, you're actually being serious?" the idiot asked sceptically.

"Yes, I'm being serious." She replied tiredly "He actually wanted our top Shinobi, but you two were the only half decent ones who weren't on some mission, so you will have to do." She waved her hand as if to dismiss any comments that Sasuke and Naruto might have. Talk about your pre-emptive strikes.

"Gee, thanks." Naruto mumbled sulkily. Sasuke was starting to worry something was wrong with the blonde-haired boy; he was not shouting but speaking like a normal person. When it came to Naruto that was never a good thing.

"You're welcome," Tsunade said without missing a beat. "Now, you leave in fifteen minutes and that's that. I don't care if you have a doctor's appointment, if you have cookies in the oven or if you're worried you may or may not have left that hair removal cream on for too long and you want to get rid of it."

Sasuke raised an inky brow at the very pointed look the Hokage was giving him, but decided not to articulate any opinions about it. He was far too caught up in the idea of the existence of Wizards to worry about the specifics on why Tsunade assumed he used hair removal cream. Soon, pigs would probably sprout wings and start flying too because he was now convinced that anything and absolutely everything was possible. He did have to wonder though, if Wizards did actually exist, why had he never met one before? It was all just one big mystery.

Luckily, Sasuke liked mysteries.

However, as thrilled as the teen was about the mission and the wizards, fifteen minutes would not be enough time for him to go to his home, gather all the stuff he would need, and come back to the Hokage's office. When he voiced his worries to Tsunade, however, the only reply he received was a glower and a:

"Well suck it up, pretty boy, because you're getting fifteen minutes and that's that."

So Sasuke just sighed and 'sucked it up' as instructed. He decided it would be best if he leave the Hokage and Naruto to their own devices so he bid them farewell, promising to return in thirteen minutes and no later than that.

However, as he skilfully leapt from one roof to the next, he realised sullenly that he would never make it back in time.

He felt oddly calm about it.

Kakashi was sat in front of his apartment door. On the floor.

The silver-haired Jounin gave a very loud sigh and his head fell forward heavily, almost drunkenly. Sasuke stood motionless for a moment, just watching him, trying to discern the meaning behind Kakashi's strangeness and his normal behaviour. He had to know what he was going up against.

A mere conversation with the Jounin was enough to leave many people questioning not only his sanity but also their own. He had just found out about the existence of Wizards, he did not need to feel anymore insane than he already felt. Therefore, a run-in with Kakashi was the last thing he needed.

The Jounin finally seemed to notice his presence, although knowing Kakashi, he had known long before he had even arrived that Sasuke was going to be at his apartment at that precise moment.

"Sasuke," Kakashi gave a half-hearted salute, his one visible eye crinkling in merriment. "Long time no see." The Uchiha rolled his eyes at the blatant lie.

"We just saw each other this morning." Sasuke replied, "So, what are you doing here?"

"Is it so wrong for a teacher to want to see his student?" the older man asked innocently, but his tone was too pleasant, almost to the point of being sickening. Clearly, the man wanted something.

"It is when the teacher is you." The young Sharingan user replied, leaning his back against the wall and looking down at his older sensei.

"I'm bruised Sasuke, I am bruised." Kakashi sniffed, holding up his hand so Sasuke could help him up. The brunet sighed and effortlessly hoisted the man up, briefly wondering to himself if Kakashi was so old that simple tasks such as standing up were difficult to the man. However, he quickly snuffed that thought as soon as it came. Kakashi could still kick his ass at just about everything despite his age.

"I'm sure," was the belated retort the teen gave "So what do you want?"

"I just wanted to spend time with my favourite student and also to wish you good luck on your mission!" The teacher said pleasantly, casually stretching his arms over his head until his shoulder gave a loud a loud clicking noise. That, to Sasuke, was the first sign of old age.

"Oh, so you want to paint my toenails while I braid your hair?" the Uchiha asked sarcastically, raising an inky brow.

"...What?" the bewilderment in Kakashi's voice was blatant; Sasuke didn't even need to see the other man's face to know it was there.

"We're not a pair of girls, Kakashi; we don't 'spend time together'. Now what do you want?"

"We do spend time together, what about the time you got drunk and fell asleep on my shoulder? That was pretty special right there."

"I thought we agreed that never happened." Sasuke whispered, looking around to make sure there was no one around who might be interested in finding some incriminating/humiliating information about him. Thankfully, there didn't appear to be any one in the general vicinity looking to destroy his reputation other than Kakashi.

"Oh. I guess it was just a dream then." Kakashi replied in a tone that clearly implied he did not even for a second believe the statement. Even though he couldn't see it, Sasuke was almost certain the other man was smirking. The bastard.

"Kakashi, I don't have time for this, why are you here?" Sasuke asked, growing increasingly exasperated.

"Alright, alright, but try not to be too harsh on you sensei on this one, okay?" there was a slightly pleading tone to the man's voice that, had he enough time, Sasuke would have liked to savour for a few moments longer.

"Whatever." The Uchiha replied nonchalantly, although he was almost certain that his growing interest was conspicuous to the older man.

"Okay. Could I have your latest copy of Icha Icha?" Kakashi asked. What nearly killed Sasuke was the fact that Kakashi sounded serious. The man's Icha Icha collection was almost as large as Jiraiya's and he was the one wrote the fucking books. Not to mention the fact that Iruka had found and burnt some of the Jounin's books, which to Sasuke implied that his collection would have been larger, had it not been for the 'unfortunate' fire.

"Iruka-sensei found yours again?" The brunet struggled to keep his mirth at his teacher's suffering from showing.

"I don't have to answer that." The teacher barked, almost defensively.

"Oh, then I guess you don't really want that book after all." As scary as a snarling Kakashi could be, Sasuke loved his helplessness, so he would happily continue baiting him.

"What do you want?" the silver-haired Jounin asked, his hands immediately reaching into his pockets.

"Just admit that you're whipped and we can call it even." He couldn't be too sure, but he was certain there was a self-satisfied smirk on his face. This day was the best day ever.

"You truly are evil Sasuke." Kakashi didn't sound surprised at the request. Maybe Sasuke was far more predictable than he thought.

"I did learn from the best. Now, about that confession of yours?"

"Okay," the Jounin sighed, and whispered, "I'm whipped." The statement was so quiet Sasuke had trouble hearing even though the man was standing right in front of him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that." The Uchiha asked, not quite managing to keep the smirk from his face.

"I said I'm whipped!" The man whispered again, a little louder than he had before.

"I still can't quite hear you. You mind repeating that?"

"I'm whipped, okay? Can I have my book now?"

"I don't think so; I'm not finished with it." Sasuke replied smugly, taking in the older man's clenched fists. "Unless, of course, you want an older copy?"

Kakashi seemed to ponder his offer for a moment or two, and then gave a defeated sigh.

"Fine." He finally breathed, shaking his head dejectedly. "You drive a hard bargain, Uchiha."

"Pleasure doing business with you, Hatake."

"You're late brat!" Tsunade announced as soon as Sasuke entered her office. The woman was seated behind a new, not broken desk, which Sasuke took as an indication of how long he had actually been gone.

"Would you believe me if I said I got lost on the road of life?" The Uchiha asked, feeling a tiny bit more confident than he normally would in Tsunade's presence. He suspected it had something to do with his thrilling conversation with Kakashi.

"Very funny." The big-breasted women said caustically "You had better be ready."

"Yeah, yeah, Granny we're ready! Let us go already!" Naruto burst out, standing in front of the Hokage' s desk. Shizune quirked a perfectly manicured brow at the blonde's sudden outburst.

"Alright then! I guess all that's left to do is for you to grab a hold of this then." Tsunade said, pointing towards a scruffy looking hat that was sat innocently on her desk.

Sasuke raised a brow at the hat. It was red with tiny speckles of yellow. Not only did it look dirty, it also looked well worn, as if the person who had been weird enough to own it hadn't wanted to be parted with for even a single day so decided to wear the damn thing every day.

While it was a perfectly interesting hat, Sasuke couldn't for the life of him understand why their departure entailed touching an ugly old hat.

"I'm not touching that." Naruto proclaimed, crossing his arms over his chest defiantly.

"Oh, really?" the Hokage asked derisively, "But less than a minute ago, you seemed so eager to go."

"Yeah, well, that was before I knew I had to touch a disgusting hat to get to the place. Who knows what germs are on that thing." The blond boy gave a sniff to illustrate his point.

"Wow, I never had you pegged as the delicate type." She retorted mockingly, leaning backwards on her chair.

"Why does our leaving even have to involve touching a hat anyway?" Naruto uttered the question Sasuke had avoided bringing up. The woman just shrugged her shoulders, simply dismissing the statement with a wave of her hand.

"I don't see why the two things have to be mutually exclusive." She replied easily.

"Well I do." Naruto, imitating the Hokage's action, just shrugged and waved his hand dismissively.

"Good for you!" she replied patronisingly. "Now, let's move on to the hat touching."

"Like hell!"

"The hat will take you to the school brat!" the woman yelled, gesticulating towards the hat.

"I don't give a shit about that!"

"Uchiha, keep your girlfriend in line!" Tsunade snarled, pointing her finger threateningly at the dark haired teen.

"What?" Naruto yelped incredulously, looking at Sasuke in a way that suggested that he wanted to eat him. The Uchiha wasn't too sure how all these things just kept coming back to him.

"As far as I'm aware Shizune isn't doing anything wrong." As soon as he spoke the words, Sasuke realised the main reason why he never, ever told jokes was mainly because he almost always ended up offending people. Usually important people.

"What?" Tsunade exploded, looking between Sasuke and the dark haired woman suspiciously.

"You should probably leave now." Shizune whispered, surreptitiously moving further away from the Uchiha.

Sasuke nodded, quickly grabbed a hold of Naruto's hand and picked up the hat. However, he did start regretting his actions when Naruto stomped on his foot. Hard.

The strange pulling at his navel did not feel so good either.

**TBC**

**End Notes:** Stick with me and you'll learn to speak English gooder, like what I do. .

Look out for an update soon.


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